For most of us, every time we get a friend request on Facebook, all other things are put on pause. As you drag your mouse over to the top left corner of your screen, your mind is abuzz with pleasant thoughts. Maybe its that cute guy I met at the library (obviously not at the bar, because you’re Pakistani and don’t go to bars), or maybe its that girl who said she could get me an internship at the World Bank. As your insides bubble with anticipation, your hopes are immediately shattered; its Rana from Sialkot.
Who is Rana from Sialkot, you ask? Rana is a fraaaaanshipper.
Rana is a 20-something male on the hunt for either a jaanu, or a passport. A graduate of Holy Child Boy’s School and a “biznessman” by profession, his info section boasts of his academic credentials. Don’t be disheartened though; he is pious and a scholar. His favorite books are the Holy Quran and Shakespeare. However, don’t discuss politics, because “all [politicians] r evil nd corupt.”
Rana’s friend list is composed of dozens and dozens of girls who, unlike you, didn’t have the heart to reject him. Their names are the likes of Princess Annie, and Sunny Rajpoot- their display pictures of Katrina Kaif or anime characters.
Noticing that you have no mutual friends, you wonder how he ever found you. Remember when you liked Atif Aslam’s fanpage? Yeah, well, so does he. Assuming you have mutual interests, Rana plunged for it.
Angrily returning back to your homescreen, oh look, a poke! It’s Rahim from Quetta. Rahim must have recently gone on vacation; his profile picture is of him standing on rocks, surrounded by inches of water, with a few buttons of his tight black shirt opened. Uff, what a hero!
Just as you remove Rahim’s poke, you get a message. Brace yourself, its Rana again. “y u rmv me?? Y r u soo high? Cum dwn a litl.” Let me translate: “Why didn’t you add me? Who do you think you are? Do you know who I am? I am the king of Sialkot.” Yeah! Who do you think you are?
For Rana, Rahim and co. Facebook is better than ogling girls at the park. Facebook provides multiple barriers: an emotional barrier, because your rejection(s) are simply words on a screen, a social barrier because his friends will never hear of this embarrassment, and most importantly, a physical barrier so you can’t slap him. What’s the worst you can do? Block him? Don’t worry, he’s got “On to the Next One” on repeat.